Dead Man
by wonderwall05
Summary: “To finally become one of my loyal servants, to become a Death Eater you must rid yourself of your unclean heritage.” The voice chilled him through his bones and he forced himself to nod.


_**Dead Man**_

_To the quiet voices_

"_**The Widow" by As Cities Burn**_

_Dead man, were you ever alive?  
Or was I just a seed you buried deep inside  
Some woman you wed  
Right before you crawled out of her bed and crept down the hall?  
Did you think of me?  
Did you even for a second hesitate in the doorway?  
It's just something that I'd like to know  
Though I'd still love you if told me  
You just walked away_

My God, what a world you love  
Where men bury their sons  
And without thought just walk away

And my mother's heart breaks  
Like the water inside of her  
_x2___

Dead man, is it being high that makes you alive?  
It makes you leave behind three boys and a wife in '89  
As the track marks inched their way up your arm  
My mother taught my brothers and I not to call you daddy  
But to call you father

But I believe there is something here to be learnt of grace  
'Cause I can't help but love you  
Even with a heart that breaks  
Like the promises that you made  
Like the promises that you made  
The promises that you made

My God, what a world you love

His hands curled into his fists as he looked at the tiny scrap of paper yellowed from age. He read the words 'Snape, Severus born on January 9, 1959 to Tobias Snape and Eileen Prince'. His lip curled up into a snarl and he crumpled the paper up and chucked it into the waste bin. He let his head sink into his shaking hands and he tried to quiet the sobs within his chest

_"You bitch!" He heard his daddy scream his voice laced with fury and disgust. "You freak, you whore! Did you magic me?" There was no response and he heard a scream of pain as glass shattered and fell to the ground. "Talk to me you worthless whore!" He felt the slap through the wall and he bit his fist to keep from crying. _

_"No." There was a slurred whisper and he could picture her broken face, her bloody mouth. _

_"No what?" His daddy snarled quietly his voice deadly._

_"I didn't magic you." She whispered again._

_"You lying bitch!" There was a crash and the little boy could picture how his mommy was being hit across the face. "You'll pay; you'll pay for all of it!" There was a muffled cry and the noise stopped. He got up and raced upstairs closing the door behind him softly before curling under the covers. He heard the front door slam and he shook in fear that it would open and his daddy would come for him this time. He let the tears drip down his face trying to quiet the sobs inside his chest._

He didn't know how long he sat there but he stood stiffly his eyes unfocused and his mind groggy. He had a class to teach.

_"To finally become one of my loyal servants, to become a Death Eater you must rid yourself of your unclean heritage." The voice chilled him through his bones and he forced himself to nod._

_"Of course my lord," He whispered his eyes flicking across the ground in panic._

_"If you fail to do this task…" The man whispered allowing his sentence to go unfinished, allowed the air to be filled with all the gruesome possibilities and he found himself being unable to breath. _

_"I will not disappoint you my lord." He gasped and he heard light, sick laughter around him._

_"Oh I would hope not Severus." He heard the swishing of robes but kept his face pointed at the ground watching as the hem of his robes came into view, and felt the cold air brush against his face. "You could be great." Then it was gone and Severus was alone in the room. He stood and left. _

_He looked at his childhood house and he winced as long gone screams resounded in his mind and he heard the shattering of glass all over again. He took a shuddering breath and walked forward pulling his wand out of his robe gracefully he didn't bother knocking just whispering a small spell before entering through the door. Nothing had changed the same ugly, mismatched furniture, the same pictures on the wall, most with cracked casings. He crept through the hallway to where he heard a distant snoring; he walked into the room trying to find disdain for the fat man passed out in the dirty bed a beer bottle still clasped in his hand. _I can't help but love you.

_"The one thing you ever liked about the magic world father was the fire whiskey." He muttered yet his voice sounded weak even to him. He pointed his wand at the man, at his father and whispered a spell._

He stood in front of the Dark Lord trying to keep his thoughts hidden and his mind blank of all the important details.

"I am disappointed on your lack of information on the boy Severus." Voldemort said yet his voice was calm cajoling even.

"He is heavily guarded my lord. All I can tell is that he is quite similar to his father," His lips curled in distaste, "Quite adventurous and foolhardy always breaking the rules even as Dumbledore scrambles to protect him." The Dark Lord looked thoughtful for a moment his long, pale fingers stroking Nagini.

"That could be very useful." He muttered and Severus felt no regret, let the boy die, he would be able to say he didn't betray him, had protected him till the end.

_**"**_**_Ennervate." Severus whispered watching as his father _**_My _mother taught my brothers and I not to call you daddy**_ came to blinking stupidly at him in his drunken state._**

**_"Whose the bloody hell's you?" He asked his words slurring. _**

_"Don't you remember me father?" He asked his voice flat and cold and he watched the recognition dawn on the man's face before it quickly turned to anger._

_"I told you to never come back; I don't want no freaks under my roof!" Severus tightened his grip on his wand._

_"But, father I've only come for a little chat before you leave." He said his voice laced with cold humor._

_"I ain't going nowhere." He shouted his face red and his chest heaving._

_"Oh how wrong you are. Enough of that," He said sternly as he saw him reach for the phone and with a flick of his wand and it was melted into a puddle his father pulling away in fear. "I came to discuss your punishment."_

_"Punishment?" His father asked his eyes still on the melted phone. _

_"Yes the punishment for what you did to mom, for what you did to them." He whispered and his fathers head jerked up._

_"That bitch got everything she deserved!" He said vehemently. _

_"DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER LIKE THAT!" He roared and his father went silent his face paling noticeably. "You will die for what you did to her, you will experience the most unbearable pain and once you are begging me for you life I will kill you. You were a dead man the moment you hit her." His voice was cold and he tried to hate him._ I can't help but love you.

_"Please no. I'm sorry." His father pleaded._

_"Too late, nineteen years too late." He raised his wand preparing to inflict pain on this disgrace of a man but only two words left his mouth, "Avada Kedavra." _

His head hurt as he watched the idiotic students struggling to complete one of the simplest potions he could force himself to assign. Today he could not handle the disasters. Today he could not handle the memories. They haunted him and he thought that becoming a spy would redeem him, make him worthy of his mother who had died for him.

_"Severus!" He awoke with a start to see his mother standing at his bedroom door, blood dripping from a gash on her cheek and spilling from her mouth. She looked dead. "Hide! Hide now he's coming!" She whispered frantically taking his nightstand and pushing it in front of the door. _

_"Where's Toby and Jen?" He asked his voice quivering and she turned to look at him her eyes devastatingly sad, so unbearably broken; she didn't need to speak. He felt tears drip down his face and she ushered him under the bed, casting a Disillusionment spell._

_"I love you son." She whispered and a second later the door burst open._

_"There you are you bitch! Where is he?" His father yelled and he heard the slap as he watched his mother fall to the ground her face looking towards him, eyes closed in pain. "Where is he?" His father shouted kicking her in the side and her eyes opened to look at him._

_"I sent him away." She whispered and he kept looking into her eyes his father's screams distant. He bit his fist to keep from crying out as the knife came down and stabbed his mother in the back. It came again and again as his father screamed, 'never come back' and he tried to reach for her but his hands hit a barrier; he beat his fists against it watching as the blood streamed down the invisible glass and he watched his mother close her eyes for the last time. "I love you mommy." _

Severus stood in the graveyard staring at the tombstone. There were no flowers adorning this grave, no angels engraved in the stone. It was bare except for two dates, a name, and a small inscription.

_My God, what a world you love  
Where men bury their sons  
And without thought just walk away_

He filled his mouth with saliva and tried to spit on his father's grave and he let his head drop in defeat as he swallowed. _I can't help but love you. _He turned slowly robes flowing behind him as he walked away. He had never felt so weak.

_Severus knelt in front Dumbledore trying hard to swallow the lump in his throat he refused to cry in front of this man._

_"You're actions were more disastrous then you thought Severus," His was a voice weighed down with age and infinite wisdom. It sent shivers down Severus' spine as he pictured a gateway into another world, a world which only Dumbledore could access, the only one who could understand such a place. _

_"What has happened? I am sure that I can fix it." His voice was tired and he tried to ignore the many aches and pains that his body angrily reminded him off._

_"James and Lily Potter are dead." Severus felt the breath freeze in his lungs, his blood stop pumping, and his mind stop processing. "James and Lily Potter are dead yet their son, Harry-"_

_"I know his name." He spat out angrily not realizing his insolence his eyes scanning the floor. 'O god no.' His mind was anguished and he flashed back to years and years ago._

_**"Stop Potter stop!" He heard someone shouting yet his vision was blurring. **_

_**"Ah Lils we were just having some fun with ol' Snivelly here." He was suddenly lying on the ground and he saw the unmistakable red hair that told him it was Lily Evans her eyes dripping tears onto his face. **_

_**"What did you do to him?" She screamed her fingers moving over his neck to find his pulse.**_

_**"He'll be fine just a little too much blood to the head." That was Potter his tone carefree. "Now about next Hogsmeade weekend-" Lily stood up quickly pulling out her wand.**_

_**"I would rather die Potter," She spat out "And if you ever touch him again I will make you will wish that you were dead." Her voice was like steel and he smiled softly before passing out. **_

_"What have I done?" He whispered his hands coming up to grip his head. He squeezed eyes together hoping that this was all some mistake that the girl who had reminded him of his mother-his mother who had sacrificed her life for his- was not dead because of him. But, he knew Dumbledore would never lie about something like this. He killed them both, the only two women he had ever loved. _

He knelt again in front of Dumbledore but this time in reverence, in respect for a man he loved. He crawled forward on hands and knees putting his hands against the smooth stone and resting his cheek against it. He had been the only person to believe that there was good in him, had accepted him when he had come pleading for redemption and had given him that in the form of being a spy. It wasn't much but he had thought it was enough. But he knew now that he had been delusional because didn't he end up killing one of the only people to try and save him? It was months later and his heart had never left the tower.

"_Severus….please…." _

He wished he knew what those words meant, what Dumbledore was pleading for. He had taken that as a plea to honor the binding curse he had entered with Bellatrix, so that he could live; he had been selfish Dumbledore could do good for the world he could not. He should have died.

_Dead man, were you ever alive?_


End file.
